Ramble Me This

Sejujurnya, aku paling malas menghadiri acara seremonial apapun. Salah satunya pesta pernikahan. Ini karena kebanyakan "kondangan" di Indonesia sarat dengan rentetan titi laku yang membosankan, polesan di permukaan, dan minim makna setidaknya buatku. Silakan tuduh aku tidak cinta budaya tradisional Indonesia, tapi mari jujur pada diri sendiri, berapa dari kita yang masih paham arti urutan ular-ular atau makna simbol setiap bunga dan perhiasan yang dikenakan pengantin? Syukurlah aku dulu tidak perlu mengalaminya. Orangtuaku membebaskanku untuk menentukan aku ingin pakai baju apa dan bagaimana alur acaranya. Resepsiku bisa dibilang nir-budaya. Ala nasional? Liberal? Atau malah mungkin lintas-budaya? Eh bukan ding, sepertinya semauku saja sih. Ah. Mungkin aku hanya lelah menemui berbagai akumulasi topeng sosial kultural yang mengukungku. Lelah hidup di dalamnya tak berdaya melanggarnya tanpa menyinggung manusia lain.

Tidak sengaja menonton film berdasar games balapan yang tayang di salah satu stasiun swasta malam ini. Bukan, aku tidak akan membahas tentang film itu. Aku pertama mengenal istilah Need for Speed di awal tahun 2000-an. Tidak pernah memainkannya, tapi selalu terinspirasi dengan frase itu. Need for Speed. It rhymes, and it chimes. Bukan sekali dua aku terpikir dan membayangkan ingin mencoba balapan di sirkuit resmi. Uh, tanpa halangan perintang pasti nikmat sekali melintas mulus di atas aspal panas. Dulu, waktu sering melaju dengan Supra X ku, aku sering menikmati jalanan dengan kecepatan (cukup) tinggi. Abaikan fakta bahwa aku perempuan berjilbab. Ada sesuatu yang menggetarkan jiwa saat melaju kencang di atas jalanan. Risiko? Hm, dalam hidup apa sih yang tidak berisiko? Toh semua kulakukan dengan perhitungan dan tidak ugal-ugalan. Satu kecelakaan motor tunggal yang kualami selama inipun justru terjadi karena aku mengantuk sepulang acara menginap yang membuatku kurang tidur, dan buk...

Yes. Really. Ngapain sih kerja? Lepas dari "harus" kerja untuk dapat penghasilan, lalu dapat penghasilan untuk bisa memenuhi kebutuhan hidup. Dst dst dst. Karena kalau hanya menggunakan alasan ini, banyak narasi alternatif di luar sana yang menawarkan strategi dan gaya hidup yang membebaskan dari ketergantungan keuangan. Jadi, kerja untuk apa? Bila sandang, pangan, dan papan bukan masalah besar, apakah masih mau atau perlu bekerja? Mari bayangkan kehidupan utopis. Tinggal di pulau terpencil. Belanja dari petani dan nelayan tetangga sendiri. Rumah dibangun dari materi lokal dengan tenaga gotong royong. Internet dan komunikasi bukan masalah karena sudah ada teknologi swadaya satelit bertenaga surya. Apa yang akan kamu lakukan untuk mengisi waktumu? Sebagian orang bilang bekerja untuk kepuasan. Tapi kepuasan seperti apa? Mungkin puas karena bekerja memungkinkan untuk membuktikan kemampuan diri, keunggulan diri. Puas karena bekerja membuatnya bisa menolong orang lain. Karena...

Dia adik kelasku selang beberapa tahun. Sewaktu kuliah aku mengenalnya sebagai perempuan muda yang ceria, bersemangat dan aktif di kampus. Setelah lulus aku tak banyak berhubungan dengannya kecuali via lintasan linimasa Facebook. Setahun terakhir kami banyak berhubungan kembali karena sempat ada rencana kolaborasi bersama. Cerita demi cerita, setelah lulus dia sempat bekerja di beberapa tempat, kebanyakan berhubungan dengan dunia pendidikan dan kehumasan. Rencana hidupnya banyak berbelok setelah bertemu dengan jodohnya. Setelah menikah dia mendampingi suaminya yang PNS bekerja di Sulawesi. Tak selang lama diapun mengandung, melahirkan, lalu membesarkan putrinya. Saat awal kami banyak berinteraksi kembali, dia sering mengungkapkan kerinduannya untuk kembali bekerja. Suaminya tidak sepenuhnya melarangnya, hanya memintanya untuk bersabar. Menunggu mereka bisa kembali ke Jawa, menunggu putri mereka lebih besar. Aku menangkap banyak perasaan tertahan dalam cerita-ceritanya. Rindu berakti...

Love is not Guilt Rage Sadness Anger Love is not Waiting in vain Hoping endlessly Caring hopefully Feeling desperately Love is not Stalking Peeping Drooling Wondering Love is not Looking at you then having ache in my chest Imagining rendezvous then being sleepless Passing by in front you then freezing like hell Talking to you then breaking the spell Love is not (mere) Adoration, or Breath-taking Star-gazing Infatuation Love is not Enjoying illusion one after another Feeding myself with empty hopes Expecting continuously for responses Flying up so high after being noticed Sinking rock bottom after being ignored Love is not Addiction

Love is Big vast blue sky Wind between the trees Sunshine through leaves Cirrus up so high Love is Your laughter How your eyes and cheeks wrinkles Your deep brown eyes Looking at me Loving, teasing, caring Kindly, sweetly, strongly Love is Breathing the same air Talking the same issue Thinking the same concern Feeling the same Fear, doubt, confusion Yet believe together Everything is gonna be okay Love is Knowing all your perks and jinks Then loving you more Listening to your unheard voices Watching your every move and stare Love is Having you as a friend A confidant Partner in crime Someone to share your life Love is Caring for you near and far Holding you tight Then learn to let go Because true love sets us free

Bulan ini ada tiga kali libur panjang. Sejujurnya, aku tidak terlalu menyukai libur panjang. Alasan utamanya: lalu lintas. Keluarga kecilku tinggal di km.11 jalan raya Jogja-Solo, di sebuah dusun kecil bernama Grogol. Secara administratif masuk wilayah Berbah, tapi lebih mudah untuk dibayangkan orang pada umumnya bila kukatakan aku tinggal sekitar Kalasan. Sudah terbayangkah kenapa aku benci lalu lintas libur panjang? Aku kerja di UGM, suamiku di jakal km.10, dan sering mengunjungi orangtuaku di daerah timur laut Amplaz. Rute rutinitas kami keseharian berada di jalur neraka saat libur panjang tiba. Coba bayangkan kepadatan jalan yang harus kami temui. Mulai saja dari Amplaz. Lalu Janti, lalu sekarang di akhir pekan selalu padat menjelang Transmart-Carrefour. Setelahnya tentu saja kepadatan menjelang Ring Road-Maguwo,  diakhiri kegilaan mendekati bandara. Perjalanan pulang selalu jauh lebih lama dan melelahkan di libur panjang, akhir pekan, libur lebaran, juga libur akhir tahun. ...

(Excerpt from limerence .net , nothing was written by me) The phases of limerence Like other addictions, we see limerence originating from early life psychological wounding. We use it to fill a hole in our soul.  We  describe  limerence as the mother of all distractions and when working with clients in limerence we are  curious to uncover what is it the person avoiding dealing with?  So often there is deep unresolved emotional pain. The client has protected themselves by covering their hearts over the years and decades with layers and layers of reinforced concrete.  This was a survival mechanism necessary from growing up in a dysfunctional and often narcissistic family system. The reality is limerence never lasts – typically it spans from 6-36 months. Just long enough for us to pair-bond and continue the survival of the species. Recent advances in neuroimaging and neurochemistry are now mapping out these pathways for romantic love. We als...

I am mentally healthier now. Nothing superb. But relatively happy and content. In scale of 1 to 10, I would say at year 2015 I was on scale 0.5 or the most 2. I wasn't "that" suicidal so I won't brag being in zero point. 2016 was progressing from 3 to 5. Just watching you passed by helped a lot you know... You were my sunshine after the rain And this past three months, I can safely say I'm almost always between 5 to 7, and never below it. I never thought fighting depression will be this gruesome. That happiness was something I have to strive for. Well..not even happiness, just being plain not unhappy... Simply being alive was a fight. Now that I'm healthier, I'm facing a bitter truth I need to heal myself by myself To be healthy without drugs To be sane without (even) thinking about you I need to get you out of my system So here's what I do, I know I have to deliberately not looking at ur profiles, but it was not as easy as i thought So in...

Sudah dari awal minggu my body is not delicious. Mual lah, sakit tenggorokan lah, sakit pinggang lah. Awalnya tentu saja kusalahkan kambing hitam ternama akhir-akhir ini: cuaca. Masuk angin ni gara-gara cuaca.. Begitu tuduhanku. Di ujung petang tadi, kurasakan rasa fisik yang semakin sungguh tak nyaman. Padahal sudah makan kenyang soto kantin dan teh hangat. Tidak habis kehujanan juga. Kenapa pula ini? Sepanjang perjalanan pulang rasanya makin campur aduk. Migren dari mata hingga kepala sebelah kanan, hidung mampet, mual seperti maag, dan nyeri pinggang. Setelah berapa saat aku tersadar. H-7. Ah, pastilah ini PMS. Pinggang-punggung-pinggul-panggul-pegal pala-pusing Mual-menderita Sekujur-tubuh. Apa yang kulakukan sesampainya di rumah? Mengumpulkan tenaga tersisa untuk ganti baju, minum y*k*lt, memijat bahu dan kepala dengan minyak GPU, lalu berbaring. Ohya, juga meminta ijin pada Aray aku tak bisa menemaninya sementara ini. Aku hanya berbaring, tak bisa benar-benar terlelap. Sakit ...

Aray sayang, Apakah menurutmu suatu kebetulan hari lahirmu berdekatan dengan hari Kartini? Yah, meski Bunda lebih memilih memaknainya berdekatan dengan peringatan hari Bumi, 22 April, yang datang besok lusa. Kamu mungkin belum terlalu ingat ini, karena Bunda baru beberapa kali menceritakan ini. Jadi biarkan Bunda meracau sekali lagi. Ya, tentang arti namamu. Araysa Sendang Narakaia. Araysa itu singkatan dari Anak RAni dan hYSA. Sendang artinya sumber. Sementara Narakaia itu Ayah dan Bunda temu via Google, dari bahasa Yunani. Nara artinya kebahagiaan, dan Kaia artinya (planet) bumi. Jadi namamu adalah doa kami agar kamu menjadi sumber kebahagiaan bagi dan atau di atas muka bumi. Apa hubungannya dengan hari Kartini? Hm, menurut Bunda sih karena menjadi atau meneladani Kartini artinya menemukan jati diri pribadi dan menemukan kebahagiaan bagi diri sebagai perempuan. Layaknya Kartini yang tak bahagia melihat perempuan di sekitarnya tertindas dan dibodohi. Dan menemukan kebahagiaan saat ...

Today Five years have passed since I first hold you in my arms I, who never thought I'd ever deserved the title Was to face the blessings and responsibilities As your mother Our first months was tiring for me Baby blues struck me Though thank God quite lightly You looked funny and strange that time You grew healthy and strong The first year was awesome You were cute and pretty and active Going back from work was exhausting But I wouldn't choose anything else Having you in my arms warms my heart The bigger you are the more you grew as a person We talked more, you tell more stories It's amazing how a young human can use so many words Talk so much with plenty of plots, curiosity and imagination This previous year was challenging The bigger you are, the more you grew, the more we fight And the more we fight, the more I realized We're so much alike Raising you will be like raising myself Yeah! Good luck with that! So many years to come So much thing...

You're probably familiar with the term "writer's block". I wonder if there's a painter's block, singer's block, or chef's block. What actually happened during the block anyway? A sudden mood change? Running out of idea? Simply bored and tired of the routine? Like what I'm facing tonight. I already had a theme/topic that I'm suppose to be writing for this night. But I don't know why I just don't get the first words, and I don't know how to start and end that piece. That's why tonight I will (again) be rambling pointlessly. So, in my case tonight, it's not because I don't have any idea. It's more like I can't develop the idea. Or because my topic was my own experience, so that becomes a separate kind of obstacle, one which put me in battle with my own thoughts and decisions. Or maybe simply because I don't know how to put them into words. Is it my mood? Not really, I'm not in a negative mood right now. H...

Duh, masa SMA... saat hidup jadi lebih rumit dari sebelumnya.. Ohya, sebagai informasi, selama SMA aku menjalani kelas satuku di Bandung lalu kelas dua dan tigaku di Jogja. Dan waktu kenaikan dari kelas dua ke kelas tiga, aku tidak sekolah dua bulan karena exchange AFS ke Jepang. Penting? Ya, penting buatku, agar tidak amnesia. Ahaha. Waktu kelas satu di Bandung, aku sempat ikut klub debat yang kakak-kakak pengasuhnya anak-anak Fikom UNPAD. Bermula sejak itu aku udah mulai ada rasa-rasa tuh ya sama Jurusan Komunikasi. Tapi cupu as I was , belum kebayang bakal berkarier sebagai apa. Selama SMA, sejujurnya ini masa paling malas belajar bagiku, apalagi dibandingkan masa SD dan SMP. Mungkin karena mulai kenal romansa? Halah.. Yang kuingat sih aku sedang sangat menikmati masa berorganisasi, masa eksplorasi minat dan kesukaan, mencoba banyak hal baru. Ikut OSIS, lomba-lomba debat, bahkan ikut seleksi dan lolos berangkat exchange. Di saat yang sama aku tak berminat sekolah karena mulai ...

Menyambung tulisan sebelumnya, kali ini aku mencoba merefleksikan ide karir yang sempat terbersit saat aku berusia SMP. Bisa dibilang sepanjang SMP, inspirasi cita-citaku banyak dipengaruhi tokoh dalam media yang kukonsumsi. (Muahaha, cikal bakal jadi anak Kom kayaknya dimulai di saat yang sama) Beberapa karir yang sempat terbersit di kala itu adalah dokter, detektif, kriminolog, dan ahli biologi laut (marine biologist). Cita-cita jadi dokter mungkin terdengar mainstream. Tapi untukku saat itu, yang kuanggap menarik dari profesi dokter bukan hanya nilai mulia untuk menolong orang lain, tapi lebih ke thrill , drama, dan dinamika kerjanya. Kenapa aku berpikir begitu? Tak lepas dari tontonanku saat itu, Doogie Howser dan serial E.R. ( Emergency Room ). Dalam dua series itu, kulihat bagaimana dokter berinteraksi lebih sekadar menjadi dokter tapi juga menghadapi intrik dan politik kantor. Next, detektif dan kriminolog. Nah, jaman itu memang bacaan dan tontonanku banyak dipengaruhi tema...

Tak sedikit tokoh pendidikan dan pemerhati minat bakat yang menyebut tahun-tahun pertama kehidupan kita acapkali memberi petunjuk penting tentang bakat atau karir yang cocok untuk kita. Saya tidak sedang memiliki keleluasaan waktu untuk mencari landasan ilmiah pernyataan di atas, jadi dalam sepotong tulisan ini saya akan berbagi kisah dan perenungan sederhana. Tentang bagaimana saya saat usia SD memandang minat, bakat, dan satu kata menyebalkan yang sering ditanyakan orang dewasa pada anak-anak: cita-cita. Sejujurnya, saya tidak terlalu ingat masa kecil saya. Bisa dibilang ingatan saya buruk. Ingatan nama orang, ingatan surat-surat pendek, nama ibukota negara, atau ingatan tanggal peristiwa sejarah, mudah sekali menguap. Untungnya perekaman bahasa, logika dan makna saya tidak terlalu jelek. Jadi, silakan ragukan waktu tepatnya kejadian dalam tulisan ini. Minat Apa yang saya sukai saat SD? Yang saya enjoy lakukan? Hm, dari cerita keluarga, saya sangat menikmati membaca dan belajar....

I had a slight worry on publishing my most sensitive feelings here But then I thought, if I can't face myself in front of the world Then it means I'm not ready to be cured Not ready to face my own fears Well, I guest I came to the thought because I've seen and see much Craziness and mental sickness on so many levels and forms The hindsight of providing counseling services and hanging around with psychologist on a daily basis Just like none of us ordinary humans ever be fully healthy all our lifetime Without sickness as simple as fever, bruises, or headache Our mental and emotional conditions are also never fully healthy It's normal for everyone in their paths of life To feel anxious, stressed, depressed, confused, or insecure Without underestimating how crazy is defined psychologically I'm just trying to rationalize myself That what I'm going through is normal Because now and then, each and everyone of us is Crazy anyway

Here's a list of things I am and or supposed to be grateful for, no matter how trivial they are. I am grateful that: 1. I sleep quite well, and don't need much time to fall asleep 2. I can easily fall in love, and to many things as well. When some people says they rarely or even never know how falling in love feels. 3. I rarely hate people 4. I am not easily offended (alias: ndablek) 5. I love learning (12/4/17) 6. I can be grateful/warm-hearted by simple things, like when wind blows, watching blue sky, or seeing a cat sleeping (15/4/17)

Last night was horrible My body ache like hell Hope this is the first and the last Hope this is fading I share info to your e-mail yesterday I read your reply this morning I read happily It doesn't hurt that much anymore Maybe this doesn't have to end so fast Not that fast I'll just have to let this fade away

Sakaw That's what I'm going through now I've been in low, oh how I've been in low alright Then you give me high So high I can reach the sky Now suddenly finding the truth I have to cut off myself from you I'm in withdrawal I've been high so long Too long I can't tell what's real I'm used to having you as my energy I've associated you with life and hope Reason to hang on for the past 19 months And now that I have to let go Everything looked surreal Like in a fogged film Too real

Nothing ever happened between us Which is okay But why does letting you go Is tearing me apart It's like I'm a coffee/chocolate addict Being told that coffee/chocolate is toxic for them That consuming coffee/chocolate will softly kill them I know I have to stop But the idea of Not being able to have coffee/chocolate Ever again Ripped my heart to pieces I think... Well..I guess.. I can live without coffee/chocolate I'll somehow survive But imagining it become real Is so terrifying Painful Torturing I can literally feel my heart Torn apart

It's okay That I have to face this alone I never demand my happiness from you anyway I'm with you not because you give me happiness What is happiness anyway

09.55 Been watching you for a while Your cheerfulness warms my heart Then I walk in front of you and your friends Nobody's ready to be greeted so I just walk I try to walk as fast as I can But then our eyes met in a sec One second that feels like forever Then I looked away Simply like that But then as I thought it would be Pain Cuts through my heart

I need a dedicated post to explain and show what limerence is. At least what it means to me, and how limerence affected me. For me, it was first and foremost: infatuation. It was definitely infatuation. The craziness, the irrational thoughts, the "this doesn't make any sense"-ness. The sensation my body experienced. The physical sorrow of parting. The unexplainable surreal atmosphere. As if I was living in another dimension every time a slight view or thought about you crossed my head. Limerence was simply crazy. Limerence is also about adoration. Where you are the most perfect being in the world. And every each of your weaknesses will only motivate me to find other side of it. People say you're childish, but I see that as pure youth spirit, to be carefree and fearless. Some of your acts can be seen stupid, silly and plain mindless. But to my eyes, you're just being yourself. Witty, damn smart, and plain honest. To adore you was my grand illusion. And that I w...

Once upon time, (I cant pinpoint the exact month, but ultimately in 2015) I was severely numb. I felt stuck, have nowhere to go No longer can feel my own passion and purpose It's all meaningless Everything felt like a giant routine blob Floating away aimlessly It was somewhere in my depression episode. I felt nothing. I want nothing. I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad either. I'm definitely bored My mind wanders a lot Nothing excites me anymore Things I used to enjoy felt like a big MEH My life was a BIG meh I fear nothing, got nothing to lose Go ahead, take everything that was left of me I wasn't angry I couldn't be angry I KNOW I was disappointed, but can't feel it anymore I was in zero point No negativity, but no positivity too My shrink disagreed with this concept She said that if we're not happy then it means we're sad There was nothing such as zero/neutral area So I said, I'm not happy but I'm also not sad W...

Halo, kamu yang disana.    Thanks for being the highlight of my day. And even maybe of my week.   Melihatmu duduk di sana menyesaki relung hatiku dengan rasa. Dan asa.   Of falling in love again.    Aku selalu merasa sebagai jenis orang mudah jatuh cinta. Pada kerlip bintang di langit. Pada sepoi angin di antara dedaunan. Pada riuh rendah suara di kampus. Pada sinaran yang menyelinap di sela-sela jendela. Dan tentu pada laki-laki. Siapapun dia. Bahkan bisa kubilang, beri aku satu jam -atau bahkan kurang- untuk berbincang dengan seorang lelaki. Maka, voila , aku bisa tunjukkan lima alasan atau hal yang bisa membuat perempuan jatuh cinta padanya. Sayangnya, bakatku ini datang bersama kutukan yang setara. Aku tak mudah mencintai siapapun.   Seperti kubilang di awal, kamu berhasil membuatku merasakan jatuh cinta lagi.   So, what ’ s the big deal? Well, because it ’s been a long time, Honey!   Pada satu titik dalam hidupku...

How's today? I ask myself Hm.. Physically exhausted Woke up with back n neck pain Got it better after long stretching But still lingered through the afternoon Mentally occupied Lots of agenda at office Got a stimulating call discussing coaching Meeting in the afternoon Woohoo Emotionally in between Not hyped nor depressed Not happy or sad A little bit confused on how he behaved After me revealing Trying to fight the slightest negativity Still fighting with my limerence Kinda fade a bit after I poured it here yesterday

Sitting so close yet so far apart Your eyes looking far ahead while you drive Is this what distance feel like Words inside my head Whirling about in my heart What are you thinking? Why can't I read you Is this a game of guilt? If so, then I deserved it But please don't Leave me in silence

Aku mengenal istilah "photographic memory" pertama kali jaman SMP dulu, saat menonton satu episode acara musik yang dipandu seorang VJ. Percakapan si VJ itu menyinggung tentang kemampuan merekam sesuatu secara visual. Saat itu aku tertegun bahwa sepertinya aku punya bakat serupa. Aku dengan mudah merekam hal-hal yang sudah pernah kulihat. Bahkan hingga sekarang, aku akan dengan mudah mengingat sesuatu kalau sudah kulihat, kubaca, apalagi kutuliskan ulang. Terdengar seperti anugerah? Ya bisa begitu. Kalau terkait pelajaran, informasi, atau membaca peta dan mengingat lokasi. Tapi saat ini aku menemuinya sebagai kutukan. I'm cursed by the ability to remember everything I've seen. How can I ever erase every picture, images, movement of you? Damn you visually appealing creature! Every eenie meenie bits of inches of you Each slight of how you look, walk, move, smile, dress Every kind of hairstyle you had Every piece of garment you wore Every detail of how you ac...

what I felt for you was love-like, but what was it, really? I kept questioning my self "Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling" The Feeling (go ahead play the video.. i like this cover better then the one by bieber) I always knew what my feeling was that you saved me from near-death thoughts   that you're my sunshine after the rain   that you bring back color to my gloomy days   I was grateful and indebted but I also feel a sensation to admire you to adore you as if you're an idol that I'm your number one fans when one and a half year passed by   and I still can't get you out of my head i realized something is not right so i keep trying to find out then just last Sunday I found out what I was diagnosed with limerence it's a psychological term and it's real " the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a str...

Starting to blog again as means of healing myself Join a fun competition to challenge and discipline myself So basically this is a selfish blog Ha!