Ramble Me This

16 Sept, 5 hari sebelum berumur 37 Ujung2 jariku terasa sakit Bengkak, merah, berdenyut Sakit sekali kayak kesetrum tiap dipakai Practically paralysed Pegang buku, buka kancing, ngambil piring, every little thing feels painful I should be grateful My body is giving me early warnings Dan ga membiarkanku lumpuh dlm kondisi lebih parah di umur lebih lanjut I knew I wasn't living as healthy as I should be But I never thought the consequences will come in this time and with this shape I always imagine I'd die of stroke, severe yet fast But not this The agony of pain from such simple parts of my body My body overall alhamdulillah is functioning well But what does that mean if you have constant distracting pain from just doing mundane stuffs Astaghfirullah...

Growing up with someone with low-key worries (if not anxiety) is unhealthy on many levels. Always being asked if everything is okay, days filled with questions and needs of reassurances.  At one point it mold us too, into one which questions. Is everything okay? Are you/we/they okay? Is he/she okay? Am I okay? Up to: what is okay, anyway?  No wonder then, that doubts become life companion.  Everything seems normal until one point you realized your doubts bring you nowhere. You're stuck. Yet you're not ready and sure enough to move forward. So here I am, starting on square one. Acknowledging my self, my doubts, my okayness. It's not easy when  I'm stuck in my own little head.  So I look around and see. The day has rise, the birds are chirping, my cats are playing around early in the morning. My loved ones are okay, breathing, healthy, at ease.  Everything is okay. I'm okay. Alhamdulillah. Let's move on.