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What Love Is Not

Love is not
Guilt
Rage
Sadness
AngerLove is not
Waiting in vain
Hoping endlessly
Caring hopefully
Feeling desperatelyLove is not
Stalking
Peeping
Drooling
WonderingLove is not
Looking at you then having ache in my chest
Imagining rendezvous then being sleepless
Passing by in front you then freezing like hell
Talking to you then breaking the spellLove is not (mere)
Adoration, or
Breath-taking
Star-gazing
InfatuationLove is not
Enjoying illusion one after another
Feeding myself with empty hopes
Expecting continuously for responses
Flying up so high after being noticed
Sinking rock bottom after being ignoredLove is not
Addiction

Recent posts

What (Perhaps) Love Is

Love is
Big vast blue sky
Wind between the trees
Sunshine through leaves
Cirrus up so highLove is
Your laughter
How your eyes and cheeks wrinkles
Your deep brown eyes
Looking at me
Loving, teasing, caring
Kindly, sweetly, stronglyLove is
Breathing the same air
Talking the same issue
Thinking the same concern
Feeling the same
Fear, doubt, confusion
Yet believe together
Everything is gonna be okayLove is
Knowing all your perks and jinks
Then loving you more
Listening to your unheard voices
Watching your every move and stareLove is
Having you as a friend
A confidant
Partner in crime
Someone to share your life Love is
Caring for you near and far
Holding you tight
Then learn to let go
Because true love sets us free

Lanturan Lalu Lintas Liburan

Bulan ini ada tiga kali libur panjang. Sejujurnya, aku tidak terlalu menyukai libur panjang. Alasan utamanya: lalu lintas.Keluarga kecilku tinggal di km.11 jalan raya Jogja-Solo, di sebuah dusun kecil bernama Grogol. Secara administratif masuk wilayah Berbah, tapi lebih mudah untuk dibayangkan orang pada umumnya bila kukatakan aku tinggal sekitar Kalasan. Sudah terbayangkah kenapa aku benci lalu lintas libur panjang?Aku kerja di UGM, suamiku di jakal km.10, dan sering mengunjungi orangtuaku di daerah timur laut Amplaz. Rute rutinitas kami keseharian berada di jalur neraka saat libur panjang tiba. Coba bayangkan kepadatan jalan yang harus kami temui. Mulai saja dari Amplaz. Lalu Janti, lalu sekarang di akhir pekan selalu padat menjelang Transmart-Carrefour. Setelahnya tentu saja kepadatan menjelang Ring Road-Maguwo,  diakhiri kegilaan mendekati bandara. Perjalanan pulang selalu jauh lebih lama dan melelahkan di libur panjang, akhir pekan, libur lebaran, juga libur akhir tahun.Perjalana…

Understanding and Curing Limerence

(Excerpt from limerence.net, nothing was written by me)The phases of limerence
Like other addictions, we see limerence originating from early life psychological wounding. We use it to fill a hole in our soul.  We  describe  limerence as the mother of all distractions and when working with clients in limerence we are  curious to uncover what is it the person avoiding dealing with?  So often there is deep unresolved emotional pain. The client has protected themselves by covering their hearts over the years and decades with layers and layers of reinforced concrete.  This was a survival mechanism necessary from growing up in a dysfunctional and often narcissistic family system. The reality is limerence never lasts – typically it spans from 6-36 months. Just long enough for us to pair-bond and continue the survival of the species. Recent advances in neuroimaging and neurochemistry are now mapping out these pathways for romantic love. We also feel limerence is a gateway to grief. It marks …

System

I am mentally healthier now. Nothing superb. But relatively happy and content.In scale of 1 to 10, I would say at year 2015 I was on scale 0.5 or the most 2. I wasn't "that" suicidal so I won't brag being in zero point.2016 was progressing from 3 to 5. Just watching you passed by helped a lot you know... You were my sunshine after the rainAnd this past three months, I can safely say I'm almost always between 5 to 7, and never below it.I never thought fighting depression will be this gruesome.
That happiness was something I have to strive for. Well..not even happiness, just being plain not unhappy...
Simply being alive was a fight.Now that I'm healthier, I'm facing a bitter truth
I need to heal myself by myself
To be healthy without drugs
To be sane without (even) thinking about you
I need to get you out of my systemSo here's what I do, I know I have to deliberately not looking at ur profiles, but it was not as easy as i thoughtSo in my head, I plan …

PMS

Sudah dari awal minggu my body is not delicious. Mual lah, sakit tenggorokan lah, sakit pinggang lah. Awalnya tentu saja kusalahkan kambing hitam ternama akhir-akhir ini: cuaca. Masuk angin ni gara-gara cuaca.. Begitu tuduhanku.Di ujung petang tadi, kurasakan rasa fisik yang semakin sungguh tak nyaman. Padahal sudah makan kenyang soto kantin dan teh hangat. Tidak habis kehujanan juga. Kenapa pula ini?Sepanjang perjalanan pulang rasanya makin campur aduk. Migren dari mata hingga kepala sebelah kanan, hidung mampet, mual seperti maag, dan nyeri pinggang. Setelah berapa saat aku tersadar. H-7. Ah, pastilah ini PMS. Pinggang-punggung-pinggul-panggul-pegal pala-pusing Mual-menderita Sekujur-tubuh.Apa yang kulakukan sesampainya di rumah? Mengumpulkan tenaga tersisa untuk ganti baju, minum y*k*lt, memijat bahu dan kepala dengan minyak GPU, lalu berbaring. Ohya, juga meminta ijin pada Aray aku tak bisa menemaninya sementara ini.Aku hanya berbaring, tak bisa benar-benar terlelap. Sakit kepala …

Kartini Kebahagiaan

Aray sayang,Apakah menurutmu suatu kebetulan hari lahirmu berdekatan dengan hari Kartini? Yah, meski Bunda lebih memilih memaknainya berdekatan dengan peringatan hari Bumi, 22 April, yang datang besok lusa.Kamu mungkin belum terlalu ingat ini, karena Bunda baru beberapa kali menceritakan ini. Jadi biarkan Bunda meracau sekali lagi. Ya, tentang arti namamu. Araysa Sendang Narakaia. Araysa itu singkatan dari Anak RAni dan hYSA. Sendang artinya sumber. Sementara Narakaia itu Ayah dan Bunda temu via Google, dari bahasa Yunani. Nara artinya kebahagiaan, dan Kaia artinya (planet) bumi. Jadi namamu adalah doa kami agar kamu menjadi sumber kebahagiaan bagi dan atau di atas muka bumi.Apa hubungannya dengan hari Kartini? Hm, menurut Bunda sih karena menjadi atau meneladani Kartini artinya menemukan jati diri pribadi dan menemukan kebahagiaan bagi diri sebagai perempuan. Layaknya Kartini yang tak bahagia melihat perempuan di sekitarnya tertindas dan dibodohi. Dan menemukan kebahagiaan saat menga…