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Before The Last Day

Tomorrow's my last day of being an office worker.What do I feel right now?Relief. Of not having a big system above me.
Rushed. Of moving out files and stuffs
Longing. Starting to notice what I'll be missing.
Poised. As if time stand still in this place.
Anxious. Of the challenges ahead.I'm still breathing.
I'm alive.
Recent posts

(More) On Goodbyes

I was never good with goodbyes
I am uncomfortable with all that come with them
Of saying goodbye
Of saying sorry and thank you of what has passed
Of letting go each and every little thing
Of the longing and missing
Of reminiscing all the memories
Of feeling the loss and the separation
Of knowing things will never be the same again
Of not knowing what will happen next
Of all the things that will change
Of all that will remain the same
Of what had happened
Of what might have happened
When we we are not together
My worst goodbye was when moving from Bandung to Jogja
Because it was home for years, where all my stories were written
Where memories, hopes, and despair was shared
First loves, crushes, and broken hearts were mend
Because I will never go back, and it will never be the same I wish I can just leave and disappear
Without saying goodbyes
Without feeling goodbyes

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…

Second Session

The second session happened around end of April or beginning of May. It was few days after flooding myself with A. We were both working/in charge on a dept.event. I'd be looking at him from afar, between my duties that day. He was gorgeous as usual. Though with rather unusual match of batik and sneakers. Haha.We'd have encounters but I can sensed he avoided talking to me. That's okay. It kinda hurt a little but I can bear with it. It will be awkward anyway, and I might have a heart attack. Haha. But I disillusioned myself, clearly. I for one was purposely trying to get his attention by chatting very actively with his boy-friends, and overdo my responses in some statements. Sigh. How pity of me. But I kinda think he's doing the same thing. There's one time. I was sitting quietly, holding my phone I guess, but not talking to anyone. He obviously knew I was right there. He's standing few steps from me but talking with one of his girl-friend. They were talking bla …

First Session

My first session was coincidental. It happened on a Monday, early April. During the weekend I was so messed up, I couldn't sleep well, which really then messed my emotions. I was heavily thinking of A. I was confused. Why am I feeling this way? This isn't love, but it goes far beyond infatuation. It's already more than one and a half year, and he's still stuck in my head.So I looked up the internet. Types of love. Kinds of love. Then I found this term: limerence. I kept browsing, it got more interesting. Then I found limerence.net, which 98% of what's described there fit my conditions. Now I know what's happening to me. I was sick, heavily addicted, to love.Luckily, I can get a session with the psychologist the next day. I printed out the pages, ask her to read them. Then ask her how I can be healed.  How does she cure people with addiction? How can I get A out of my mind. How can I be sick like this? You know why? Because limerence is love addiction.She said t…

Third Session

The third session of my therapy was unplanned, as usual. I never set up an appointment, just using canceled sessions of students.At first, I told the psychologist that I haven't sleep well these pas few days. It's hard for me to fall asleep. Or,  I finally slept then got awake in the middle of the night, then kept awake for no real reason. I told her that when I couldn't sleep or wide awake, I'd be thinking about him, A. I'd be delusional, playing up ideas of scenes with him, or plain reeling images of A right inside my head. Then I'd be so tired I will actually fall asleep.I told her that Friday I caught a glimpse of A strolling about. I felt okay that time, just happy to see he's okay and all. But then Friday night I started to feel anxious, like sorrow inside me grew heavily. I got insomnia until morning. I told her that my heart is filled with deep longing of him. I miss him so much for no apparent reason. Who the hell is he, how can this be, and why do…

I Want To

I want to love you
Because
I love how you smile at me
Because you're a special being
Because you're so filled with lifeI want to adore you
Because you draw bold images
You dance and jump with all your heart
You have so many stories and ideasI want to cherish you
Because you're a caring person
An observant little human
A strong-willed soulI want to take good care of you
Because you're so precious
Because you're destined for something big
Because I believe in what you could beI want to kiss your sweet cheek
To brush your hair with my fingers
To look into your bright eyes
And touch every inch of your beautiful face I want to hold you tight
Because you give the sweetest smile
Because you I want you to feel safe
Because I want you to feel lovedAnd all not just because
You're my daughter