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Not Again

In between classes and meet ups, i miss you
Along scrolls of timeline, I miss youIn seconds
Or minutes
Here and there
Now and then
I miss you
Recent posts

Sort of Mid Life Crisis

Let's call it a premature mid life crisis
A time in my thirties
When everything goes everywhere
Or in another term
Goes nowhereA time when things are pretty much "it"
All the excitement has wore down
Nothing big to anticipateMaybe it's too much to say
Everything's downhill from here
But it's probably trueNot that I'm not grateful
I'm just being realistic
Maybe I had too many adrenaline in the past
So life's now seems so dullHappiness and fun comes in very different sizes, boxes and colors
Maybe I'm just not ready yet
To get tiny pale yellow boxes every other day
When deep inside I'm still waiting for that big shiny rainbow boxLife can never be as fun and thrilling as it was beforeOr can it?

Goodbye Akak

I was always bad at goodbyes.This is Akak, a black and grey male cat roaming around our house these past few months. We fed him almost everyday, out of compassion, but never really consider him as a pet.After considering a handful issues (mostly whether he'll be accepted by Luki and Kuma), we decided to seriously adopt him last week and bringing him to the vet to be spayed.But God has other story written. Last Thursday, just one week after the conscious decision, since morning he threw up several times and refuse to eat and drink. I was shocked and shivered, reminded of what happened to Lian, my cat who died because of cat flu a decade ago.We brought him the vet and got him hospitalized for the night. The next morning, the blood test result came out, he's positive of panleukopenia or cat flu. This virus is so evil, it is known to took away lives in just days. I cried that afternoon, regretting not vaccinate him earlier. The vet kept updating us for his condition, and this morn…

Before The Last Day

Tomorrow's my last day of being an office worker.What do I feel right now?Relief. Of not having a big system above me.
Rushed. Of moving out files and stuffs
Longing. Starting to notice what I'll be missing.
Poised. As if time stand still in this place.
Anxious. Of the challenges ahead.I'm still breathing.
I'm alive.

(More) On Goodbyes

I was never good with goodbyes
I am uncomfortable with all that come with them
Of saying goodbye
Of saying sorry and thank you of what has passed
Of letting go each and every little thing
Of the longing and missing
Of reminiscing all the memories
Of feeling the loss and the separation
Of knowing things will never be the same again
Of not knowing what will happen next
Of all the things that will change
Of all that will remain the same
Of what had happened
Of what might have happened
When we we are not together
My worst goodbye was when moving from Bandung to Jogja
Because it was home for years, where all my stories were written
Where memories, hopes, and despair was shared
First loves, crushes, and broken hearts were mend
Because I will never go back, and it will never be the same I wish I can just leave and disappear
Without saying goodbyes
Without feeling goodbyes

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…

Self Reminder: Again on Love Addiction

....While some issues may never be completely resolved, learning to love yourself, and understand that you are worthy no matter what, will finally free you to have healthy relationships that are truly fulfilling.Treatment For Love AddictionThe core element of treatment, however, is the psychological side. For people suffering from love addiction, this often involves addressing and coming to terms with the parental abandonment that led to the issue. The process can be challenging and time-consuming, but this is the only way to truly get to the root of the issue and help the individual get better and learn to have healthy relationships.This is done through groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), which apply the 12-step approach. This is group therapy—enabling sharing with and learning from others with the same (or similar) issues—but more traditional one-to-one treatment is also often incorporated into treatment programs. One-to-one counselors should be specialists in love ad…