Skip to main content

Numb

Once upon time, (I cant pinpoint the exact month, but ultimately in 2015) I was severely numb.

I felt stuck, have nowhere to go
No longer can feel my own passion and purpose
It's all meaningless
Everything felt like a giant routine blob
Floating away aimlessly

It was somewhere in my depression episode.

I felt nothing. I want nothing.
I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad either.
I'm definitely bored
My mind wanders a lot
Nothing excites me anymore
Things I used to enjoy felt like a big MEH
My life was a BIG meh
I fear nothing, got nothing to lose
Go ahead, take everything that was left of me
I wasn't angry
I couldn't be angry
I KNOW I was disappointed, but can't feel it anymore

I was in zero point
No negativity, but no positivity too
My shrink disagreed with this concept
She said that if we're not happy then it means we're sad
There was nothing such as zero/neutral area
So I said, I'm not happy but I'm also not sad
What do I have to feel sad for, I ask
I'm definitely not sad
I'm just depressed
There

Damn
Didn't know that acknowledging that I was depressed
Will be that hard
Admitting that I can't help myself getting out of it

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

this kid

For her upcoming 8th birthday, she have everything plan out. (Most probably an Intuitive, yup, since her birthday won't be here until another two months). She already plan how it will be celebrated. Her father and I never celebrate our birthdays so her images of birthdays are definitely not from us. She plans what she wants to eat. Quite anti mainstream because she requested "nasi and kremesan". She plans when it will be held (not on her actual birth day because she wants to celebrate it with her cousin and relatives in her father's hometown). She also plans who she is going to invite. What amaze me the most is she has this idea that her cousins will give her presents which she already has prepared earlier herself. So today I drove her to this stationery store, not a fancy one, just one near her school. She then bought pretty much everything she needs and wants for her birthday. She choose the cute stuffs she wants as her present, pick the pretty boxes and bags to put...

19

Sejak kapan saya suka angka 19? Mungkin sejak SD, sejak kenal bilangan prima. Ya, 19 adalah bilangan prima, yang istimewa, berdiri sendiri, tidak memiliki bilangan faktor, tidak bisa dibagi bilangan lain selain satu dan dirinya sendiri.  Sejak itu, sepertinya angka 19 selalu punya makna tersendiri untukku. Salah satu kecenganku waktu SMP ultahnya jatuh di tanggal 19, walau sekarang aku sudah tak yakin, bulan Januari atau Februari ya hahaha.  Kalau dipikir, umur 19 juga istimewa karena mulai kenal @hysa. Apalagi setelah sadar kalau dies natalis fakultas kami selalu jatuh di tanggal 19 juga, tepatnya 19 September dan untuk di universitas 19 Desember. Begitu juga dengan beberapa tanggal wisuda kampus, selalu dijadwalkan di tanggal atau sekitar tanggal 19, empat kali dalam setahun. Tak heran juga akhirnya ketika mencari satu tanggal istimewa pengikat janji di musim kemarau, kami jatuhkan di 19 Juli. 190709 Bukan, ini bukan tulisan tema anniversary. Sekadar lintasan ide mengisi wak...

Perpetual Sadness

Dari Rabu atau Kamis denger pertama kabar Nanggala, hatiku remuk. Secara logika udah kuat banget dugaan mereka ga akan selamat. Kesedihan mulai merayapiku. Mulai kerasa sedih ga jelas Ga mood ngapa-ngapain Rasa kehilangan akan entah apa Kebayang kamu ga ada Hatiku lebih remuk lagi Kalo sampe itu terjadi Mulai muter lagu2 sedih Lagu Linkin Park paling kena sih Mungkin karena Chester nya Mungkin karena walau sedih tetap terasa kuat Menambah rasa ironi Sabtu malam dinyatakan tenggelam Ucapan duka bertebaran Rasa sedih menyeruak Minggu lebih banyak berita detail Ditemukan terbelah tiga Memuncak sedih ini Rasa kehilangan yang besar dan dalam Berusaha menghibur diri Namun dengan rasa bersalah Karena sepertinya dunia malah baru mulai berduka Tapi aku sudah hampir tenggelam Dalam kesedihan Mulai nonton dan baca berita berita analitis terkait, berusaha merasionalisasi kenyataan Tak terhindarkan Di luar kendali siapapun Lepaskan Ayo lanjutkan hidup