Skip to main content

System

I am mentally healthier now. Nothing superb. But relatively happy and content.

In scale of 1 to 10, I would say at year 2015 I was on scale 0.5 or the most 2. I wasn't "that" suicidal so I won't brag being in zero point.

2016 was progressing from 3 to 5. Just watching you passed by helped a lot you know... You were my sunshine after the rain

And this past three months, I can safely say I'm almost always between 5 to 7, and never below it.

I never thought fighting depression will be this gruesome.
That happiness was something I have to strive for. Well..not even happiness, just being plain not unhappy...
Simply being alive was a fight.

Now that I'm healthier, I'm facing a bitter truth
I need to heal myself by myself
To be healthy without drugs
To be sane without (even) thinking about you
I need to get you out of my system

So here's what I do, I know I have to deliberately not looking at ur profiles, but it was not as easy as i thought

So in my head, I plan a series of things I do to say goodbye
I need to write a goodbye notes
Prepare a goodbye present
Maybe set a goodbye meet up n dine

I need to appreciate everything you gave me
The feelings, the emotions, the beauty
The energy and enthusiasm that you vibrate
The smile oh your wonderful smile
All the blessings God sent through you to saved me

Then
I have to let (my bonds with you) go
Let go of all the mixed feelings
Of all the images of you stuck in my head
Of the illusion and imagination
Of my despair and sadness

It's so damn hard!
I've let people go before, you know
But it was because it's problematic
I had issues with them

But you
You're just fine
I don't have issues with you
You're sweet and kind, also witty and adorable
I don't expect anything from you
Still I can't get you out of my head

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Understanding and Curing Limerence

(Excerpt from limerence.net, nothing was written by me)The phases of limerence
Like other addictions, we see limerence originating from early life psychological wounding. We use it to fill a hole in our soul.  We  describe  limerence as the mother of all distractions and when working with clients in limerence we are  curious to uncover what is it the person avoiding dealing with?  So often there is deep unresolved emotional pain. The client has protected themselves by covering their hearts over the years and decades with layers and layers of reinforced concrete.  This was a survival mechanism necessary from growing up in a dysfunctional and often narcissistic family system. The reality is limerence never lasts – typically it spans from 6-36 months. Just long enough for us to pair-bond and continue the survival of the species. Recent advances in neuroimaging and neurochemistry are now mapping out these pathways for romantic love. We also feel limerence is a gateway to grief. It marks …

Karir Impian: Jaman SD

Tak sedikit tokoh pendidikan dan pemerhati minat bakat yang menyebut tahun-tahun pertama kehidupan kita acapkali memberi petunjuk penting tentang bakat atau karir yang cocok untuk kita.Saya tidak sedang memiliki keleluasaan waktu untuk mencari landasan ilmiah pernyataan di atas, jadi dalam sepotong tulisan ini saya akan berbagi kisah dan perenungan sederhana. Tentang bagaimana saya saat usia SD memandang minat, bakat, dan satu kata menyebalkan yang sering ditanyakan orang dewasa pada anak-anak: cita-cita.Sejujurnya, saya tidak terlalu ingat masa kecil saya. Bisa dibilang ingatan saya buruk. Ingatan nama orang, ingatan surat-surat pendek, nama ibukota negara, atau ingatan tanggal peristiwa sejarah, mudah sekali menguap. Untungnya perekaman bahasa, logika dan makna saya tidak terlalu jelek. Jadi, silakan ragukan waktu tepatnya kejadian dalam tulisan ini.Minat
Apa yang saya sukai saat SD? Yang saya enjoy lakukan? Hm, dari cerita keluarga, saya sangat menikmati membaca dan belajar. Wow. B…

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…