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Goodbye Akak

I was always bad at goodbyes.

This is Akak, a black and grey male cat roaming around our house these past few months. We fed him almost everyday, out of compassion, but never really consider him as a pet.

After considering a handful issues (mostly whether he'll be accepted by Luki and Kuma), we decided to seriously adopt him last week and bringing him to the vet to be spayed.

But God has other story written. Last Thursday, just one week after the conscious decision, since morning he threw up several times and refuse to eat and drink. I was shocked and shivered, reminded of what happened to Lian, my cat who died because of cat flu a decade ago.

We brought him the vet and got him hospitalized for the night. The next morning, the blood test result came out, he's positive of panleukopenia or cat flu. This virus is so evil, it is known to took away lives in just days. I cried that afternoon, regretting not vaccinate him earlier. The vet kept updating us for his condition, and this morning they send the horrible news that I knew sooner or later will came. The virus was stronger.

Akak, my dear... I'm sorry.. I should've treat you better and sooner. I should've listen to my guts earlier and embrace your spirit faster. Thank you for being such a sweet cat, so kind towards Luki and Kuma, lovable and easily purr. And so willing to be played and cuddled. Thank you for meowing at our door and invite us to care for you.  We will miss your kind heart, your purr, your love, and your humble spirit. Rest in peace my dear...

Ya Allah, thank you for letting Akak come to our life. Thank you for the precious lesson. That with loving will come losing, and letting go. That once you become attached and pour your heart, you can be hurt. That only You ya Rabb, the ultimate Love, who can ever cure the pain and fill void left behind.. Ya Rahmaan, Ya Rahiim..

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Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…