Third Session

The third session of my therapy was unplanned, as usual. I never set up an appointment, just using canceled sessions of students.

At first, I told the psychologist that I haven't sleep well these pas few days. It's hard for me to fall asleep. Or,  I finally slept then got awake in the middle of the night, then kept awake for no real reason. I told her that when I couldn't sleep or wide awake, I'd be thinking about him, A. I'd be delusional, playing up ideas of scenes with him, or plain reeling images of A right inside my head. Then I'd be so tired I will actually fall asleep.

I told her that Friday I caught a glimpse of A strolling about. I felt okay that time, just happy to see he's okay and all. But then Friday night I started to feel anxious, like sorrow inside me grew heavily. I got insomnia until morning. I told her that my heart is filled with deep longing of him. I miss him so much for no apparent reason. Who the hell is he, how can this be, and why do I feel this so much longing?

She asked what exactly do I feel when I miss him. Was it fun/pleasing or stressful/hurting? I told her I don't know exactly. Yes, missing him was delightful, because he's so beautiful. And it also kinda hurt, but that's because A filled my heart with so many longing my chest felt like it's so full it's going to explode!

Then I realized something. I remembered when was the times I felt this way. It was with H, 13 years ago when I was in Singapore.

Flashbacks started to roll. I told her that by now I've already knew when my limerence started. It started to grew when I was in junior high. Exactly in the middle of time when my dad left us to work in Jogja, 1994-1998, when I was age 11-15. Precisely at the time when theoretically a daughter emotionally needed her father, the most.

How did my limerence starts? It all started with M, my junior, in junior high. I liked him a lot then, I would be sending him gifts, cards, etc. This lasts for a whole year. I also think my limerence is highly influenced (though unconsciously, at that time) by my association with Ran Mouri.

Then my second LO (limerent object) was Kang W, in high school. He was my class's buddy/big brother. Although he already has a girlfriend, I like and care a lot about him. I admired and adore him, he filled my heart with many feelings. Even as I moved from Bandung to Jogja, I kept trying to call him every Sunday mornings, and even still brought my feelings when I was joining exchange to Japan. I would miss him badly, I'd write down his names everywhere. This one lasts a little bit more than two years.

Then there's R, who I met in campus. I would send him e-mails, exchanging texts and notes. He meant a lot for me that time. And it was kinda reciprocal. God! He even gave me a cute living bunny as a birthday gift. But this time the difference was I actually asked him for clarity of our relationship. Then he said I was more like a younger sister for him. It broke my heart, filled it with anger. The initiation phase took a year, then terminated after his statement. But it took almost another year for me to forget him, forgive myself, than move on.

My last limerent object before A was definitely H. The one who stood against the test of time. The one that resolved into a real relationship. I fully regretted that I had to jeopardize this with an addiction I couldn't even tell before. Please stand by me, H.

I think, in so many ways, I love falling in love. I love men. I can easily find reasons to like them. Even before my limerence started, I'd have monkey crushes since in elementary school. And even in years between M and H, there are many other guys who I have crushes with. The difference was in any other men, it'd be just a crush or infatuation, that lasted for days or mostly weeks; but it didn't evolve into something deep as with my limerent objects, where each one lasted for months and even years.

Okay, now back to my longing. The last heaviest one was in Singapore. H and I haven't really close the deal yet that time. We're not a couple yet. We were just approaching one another, and that time as a form of "test" I asked him to email me once a week. At one time, I missed him so badly. Longing for him to be with me in that country, just share moments and accompany me. I missed him very much I'd be writing stuffs on LJ or even e-mail him more than I should have.

My psychologist probe more on that. On my LOs (limerent objects). Are there any similarities? Do they have anything in common? No, . said. They quite differ from one to another. Was my longing heavier when there's a chance or no chance to secure the relationship? I don't know, I said. It was all different. Some has chances, some has no future. Then we discussed some more. One or two points started to reveal in my mind. My limerence almost always started in the beginning of school or college, or after the stress of losing one LO, then looking for a new one. Was it because I was in stress? What was I looking for? Was it something new? Was I bored? Was I anxious?

I wasn't really sure. Maybe I was bored, stressed, looking for something interesting. Something that will make me stay. Something that will give me hope. That's it. Hope. Hope was the key to my limerence.

But what is it that I was hoping for? Love? Hm, I dont think it's that simple. By this session, I already know my issues with my dad. I also know I need to have closure with him, but I'm not ready yet. Not with this limerence hanging so badly. But she keep saying that closure will actually help me cure my limerence.

I don't know which one goes first. But I actually started to ramble on how my family is not much of a touchy feely. That I was shocked when the first time realizing my hubby's family was so physically close to one another. Compared to mine. That I couldn't remember receiving much physical affection from my parents above the age of seven. I was rarely hugged, cuddled, or anything. Maybe a pat in the head when I scored great in class, or a kiss in the forehead every time Dad's leaving town, but that's it. Nothing more, really? Was it because I was the eldest? And all the loving goes to the younger ones. Why was it? I'm not saying they're cold and heartless. They just don't express much of their love physically. Or at least not as much as I needed them to. Was it because of their own backgrounds? I'm not sure. I kept on rambling.

Then at one point, I realized something. This past almost two years with A, all this time, it was never sexual. At all. It's not like he's not sexually attractive. But it's just I never felt it that way. So I said to my psychologist, do you want to know my wildest imagination of him? My most intimate imagination would be: we'll be seating so close that I can touch him, touch his face. I would stroke his beautiful hair, feel it run through my fingers. I would touch his cute ears. I would brush his eyebrows, and kiss the right one. I would brush his grand handsome nose, and maybe touch it with mine. I would caress his cheeks, lips, then his beautiful chin. I would then kiss him in the forehead, give him the biggest hug, and would never let him go.

By the time I finished describing this, I was bursting in tears. Was that A that I was imagining? Or was that me needing so much to be held and hugged? Why can't you just hold me, hug me? Tell me that everything's gonna be okay. I missed you so much...

The session ended with me realizing the big hole in my heart. The same hole still exists.. And that I've got so much to do.