Skip to main content

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leaving

I was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myself

Part of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myself

I couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to go

There are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defenses

This letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have to worry acting so cool outside
While inside I just wanna jump around happily
Every time I see you

All that I've ever written about you
It is all true
Though ironically
We had nothing
Yet for me it feel as if it was everything
Turned out it was all only in my mind

But it doesn't mean you're not real
You were kind and sweet
Outside all your punk rock i-don't-give-a-shit-ness
You're an observant and caring person
You'd do all you can for your most beloved ones

And yes, you have an extremely wonderful smile
Too bad only once or twice you truly smiled at me
Yup, its my fault, I know
If I wasn't so lunatic insisting on being your number one fan
Freaking you out and leave us in awkwardness
I don't know, I guess, I just wish you'd
Truly smile at me again, one day

If we're not so age apart, or I'm not married, nor mentally ill
I think we could be really good friends
We'd enjoy some similar things to talk about
We're both smart, witty, and sceptical
I would laugh out loud at your jokes and sarcasm
You would banter me on my complexities
We'd have good times together

Please forgive me
For any negativity I've ever brought
Or will ever bring
All the uncomfortable little things
My uncontrollable acts
Thank you for everything

You're so beautiful, but that's not why I loved you
It's you, being you, just you

You probably won't read this
This may doesn't mean a thing for you
But I have to do this, for myself
To 'officially' say goodbye

Dear,

You are one very special person
That had ever distracted me so beautifully
A true special snowflake
Which I will keep in my mind and soul
Frozen and preserved forever
In the depth of my warmed heart

Thank you

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Understanding and Curing Limerence

(Excerpt from limerence.net, nothing was written by me)The phases of limerence
Like other addictions, we see limerence originating from early life psychological wounding. We use it to fill a hole in our soul.  We  describe  limerence as the mother of all distractions and when working with clients in limerence we are  curious to uncover what is it the person avoiding dealing with?  So often there is deep unresolved emotional pain. The client has protected themselves by covering their hearts over the years and decades with layers and layers of reinforced concrete.  This was a survival mechanism necessary from growing up in a dysfunctional and often narcissistic family system. The reality is limerence never lasts – typically it spans from 6-36 months. Just long enough for us to pair-bond and continue the survival of the species. Recent advances in neuroimaging and neurochemistry are now mapping out these pathways for romantic love. We also feel limerence is a gateway to grief. It marks …

Sort of Mid Life Crisis

Let's call it a premature mid life crisis
A time in my thirties
When everything goes everywhere
Or in another term
Goes nowhereA time when things are pretty much "it"
All the excitement has wore down
Nothing big to anticipateMaybe it's too much to say
Everything's downhill from here
But it's probably trueNot that I'm not grateful
I'm just being realistic
Maybe I had too many adrenaline in the past
So life's now seems so dullHappiness and fun comes in very different sizes, boxes and colors
Maybe I'm just not ready yet
To get tiny pale yellow boxes every other day
When deep inside I'm still waiting for that big shiny rainbow boxLife can never be as fun and thrilling as it was beforeOr can it?

Anti Proliferasi Reuni

Sebenarnya apa yang mendorong orang -dan maksudku BANYAK sekali orang- mengadakan reuni beberapa tahun terakhir?Satu hal yang jelas, sejak meluasnya penggunaan media sosial, orang "berumur" (sudah punya cukup umur dan alasan) semakin mudah terhubung dengan kawan lamanya, dari berbagai tingkatan sekolah dan jenjang studi. Ini memudahkan mereka mengetahui kabar dan lokasi masing-masing, juga untuk mengkoordinasi acara reuni itu sendiri.Sejujurnya aku jengah dengan fenomena reuni ini. Kalau dulu, reuni itu dianggap layak disebut reuni karena dilakukan setelah sepuluh, dua puluh bahkan tiga puluh tahun sejak lulus. Sekarang, sepertinya setiap tahun ada saja acara temu alumni atau reuni. Malah jadi tidak istimewa menurutku.Secara pribadi, aku bukan peminat reuni. Kalau memang ingin kumpul dengan teman lama (yang tentu saja teman paling dekat tidak akan lebih dari sepuluh orang per tingkat sekolah), aku akan datangi mereka di rumah, mengundang ke rumahku, atau janjian bertemu di r…