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Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leaving

I was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myself

Part of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myself

I couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to go

There are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defenses

This letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have to worry acting so cool outside
While inside I just wanna jump around happily
Every time I see you

All that I've ever written about you
It is all true
Though ironically
We had nothing
Yet for me it feel as if it was everything
Turned out it was all only in my mind

But it doesn't mean you're not real
You were kind and sweet
Outside all your punk rock i-don't-give-a-shit-ness
You're an observant and caring person
You'd do all you can for your most beloved ones

And yes, you have an extremely wonderful smile
Too bad only once or twice you truly smiled at me
Yup, its my fault, I know
If I wasn't so lunatic insisting on being your number one fan
Freaking you out and leave us in awkwardness
I don't know, I guess, I just wish you'd
Truly smile at me again, one day

If we're not so age apart, or I'm not married, nor mentally ill
I think we could be really good friends
We'd enjoy some similar things to talk about
We're both smart, witty, and sceptical
I would laugh out loud at your jokes and sarcasm
You would banter me on my complexities
We'd have good times together

Please forgive me
For any negativity I've ever brought
Or will ever bring
All the uncomfortable little things
My uncontrollable acts
Thank you for everything

You're so beautiful, but that's not why I loved you
It's you, being you, just you

You probably won't read this
This may doesn't mean a thing for you
But I have to do this, for myself
To 'officially' say goodbye


You are one very special person
That had ever distracted me so beautifully
A true special snowflake
Which I will keep in my mind and soul
Frozen and preserved forever
In the depth of my warmed heart

Thank you


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