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Second Session

The second session happened around end of April or beginning of May. It was few days after flooding myself with A. We were both working/in charge on a dept.event. I'd be looking at him from afar, between my duties that day. He was gorgeous as usual. Though with rather unusual match of batik and sneakers. Haha.

We'd have encounters but I can sensed he avoided talking to me. That's okay. It kinda hurt a little but I can bear with it. It will be awkward anyway, and I might have a heart attack. Haha.

But I disillusioned myself, clearly. I for one was purposely trying to get his attention by chatting very actively with his boy-friends, and overdo my responses in some statements. Sigh. How pity of me. But I kinda think he's doing the same thing. There's one time. I was sitting quietly, holding my phone I guess, but not talking to anyone. He obviously knew I was right there. He's standing few steps from me but talking with one of his girl-friend. They were talking bla bla I couldn't really tell, but then he suddenly sort of raised his voice when talking about how he's getting a new cat. Duh. Just because we're both catlovers (?).

Anyway, the days after the events my mind was again preoccupied with him. So, no. Flooding technique didn't work for me. I just can handle him no matter that much. Or maybe because I could never get a chance of an extreme flooding scenarios, like spending a full day just with him. On the other side, I told my psychologist, how I couldn't do a NC. No Contact, at all. Cut the rope.  No, it's too devastating. I have tried not to look for him anywhere at all, but it only lasted for few days. I was suffocating, literally having a withdrawal. I was also kinda afraid that if I lose him, I'd be losing my reasons to stay sane and might fell into depression again.

I kept saying how I can't get him out of my head. How he's already in me. He's like drugs running through my veins. This is a different kind of addiction. So she thinks maybe it is like drug addiction, so the technique should combine behavioral therapy with lowering the dose and some sort of drug replacement.

The session continues. We talk more about my parents. My relationship with my mom, with my dad. My relationship with my dad was okay but why am I feeling this. Is there something unspoken?

I forgot how it came around but then I realized my relationship with my dad does have a problem. It has many. But my limerence was stemmed from one of it.

I was longing for dad's presence, appreciation. In my teen, he was gone for some years, working in another city. He'd be coming home every one or two weeks. My limerence was caused somewhat by that. Not having him around in reliable schedule, or even not having him around in the first place, grew me to be a person who always linger and in waiting. Will I see him this week? When will he be home? Will we be doing something great when he's at home? Etc etc. Very much reflecting all my feelings toward my LOs. The anticipation and hope was the fuel for my limerence.

I knew he didn't mean to hurt me, but there I was. Looking for some kind of acknowledgement. Day by day. Time after time. My limerence was about giving, loving, and waiting for response. And that my ecstasy is when I received any form of reciprocation from my objects. I was in thirst for a response, a pat in my head, a "good job, honey".

I ended crying in that session. I wasn't mad at my dad. I just feel so sad, having this big hole of hope opening so big of a wound.


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