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First Session

My first session was coincidental. It happened on a Monday, early April. During the weekend I was so messed up, I couldn't sleep well, which really then messed my emotions. I was heavily thinking of A. I was confused. Why am I feeling this way? This isn't love, but it goes far beyond infatuation. It's already more than one and a half year, and he's still stuck in my head.

So I looked up the internet. Types of love. Kinds of love. Then I found this term: limerence. I kept browsing, it got more interesting. Then I found limerence.net, which 98% of what's described there fit my conditions. Now I know what's happening to me. I was sick, heavily addicted, to love.

Luckily, I can get a session with the psychologist the next day. I printed out the pages, ask her to read them. Then ask her how I can be healed.  How does she cure people with addiction? How can I get A out of my mind. How can I be sick like this? You know why? Because limerence is love addiction.

She said that there are some mainstream ways to cure addiction, but she need to assess me some more. In the article, it was mentioned that it mostly happened with growing up having a narcissistic parent, I tried to explore that but she said considering I grew up as a pretty much healthy and normal being, she didn't think it was the main reason. I agreed, my parents were just a bit narcissistic, like most parents anyway, so that's not the core issue. But she agreed that this will have something to do with the relationship with my parents.

We talked a lot about my parents, but it didn't get concluded. Still lot more to dig. Also there's another client waiting so we discussed ways to stop the addiction. Basically there's three ways. A total full stop, a No Contact, says the limerence article. Flooding method, where clients got exposed  in the substance in high dose high enough to make them feel so sick they don't want the thing anymore. And last, slowly but sure behavioral intervention, combined with replacement drugs.

I'm not sure I can do the first one, but I said I'd give it a try.

She also said I shouldn't be in a rush, because it may harm me more. I just have to make sure to choose a method of therapy, to help me process my mind and my emotions, on a daily basis. That's how I choose to write again. And to give a push for my self, I joined a one month blog writing contest.

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Batas Sabar

Ketika didera tekanan bertubi-tubi
Saat dituntut ini itu tiada henti
Lalu mendadak diminta patuh tanpa tapi
Wajarkah bersabar?Saat semua yang dibangun diruntuhkan
Ketika hasil kerja keras bertahun-tahun dipandang rendah
Lalu diperintah bagaikan robot berkarat
Boleh 'kan tak bersabar?Ketika makna hilang dihempas terpaan
Saat tak ada lagi alasan untuk bertahan
Hanya ada tanya berkecamuk dalam dada
Tampak jelas batas kesabaranSabar ada bukan hanya dalam menahan cobaan
Sabar mewujud nyata dalam upaya dan usaha
Sabar itu karena menerima dengan lapang dada
Bahwa setiap yang datang kepada kita adalah guruGuru maha yang datang dengan tanya"Sabar ada batasnya" atau  "Kesabaran sejati tak terbatas"?(Sepucuk pelipur lara buat pejuang Komako yang diuji kesabarannya beberapa hari ini. Maafkan alumnimu ya gaes)

Sort of Goodbye

So I guess this is it
I'm leavingI was ill, insane, and so messed up
My feelings for you was true, it was real
But it was wrong
It was a delusion
Something I create in my mind to protect myselfPart of curing myself is to accept that I was wounded
That I need to grieve, to heal my scar
You came to my life and saved me from despair
You were brought here by universe to teach me
But not to be my saviour
Because I have to save myselfI couldn't imagine staying any longer
Without prolonging my addiction
Without seeing you, even for a glance
So somehow I know I have to goThere are dozens of reason why I have to go
And my limerence to you is one of it
It's almost two years godamit
You're just too good to be true
My mind is too addicted
That even if I try so hard not looking for you or at you
Just a glimpse of you shattered my defensesThis letter is hopefully my last one
I am resigning, so you don't have to worry
About seeing me on campus next semester
And I don't have t…