Ramble Me This

Sejak kapan saya suka angka 19? Mungkin sejak SD, sejak kenal bilangan prima. Ya, 19 adalah bilangan prima, yang istimewa, berdiri sendiri, tidak memiliki bilangan faktor, tidak bisa dibagi bilangan lain selain satu dan dirinya sendiri.  Sejak itu, sepertinya angka 19 selalu punya makna tersendiri untukku. Salah satu kecenganku waktu SMP ultahnya jatuh di tanggal 19, walau sekarang aku sudah tak yakin, bulan Januari atau Februari ya hahaha.  Kalau dipikir, umur 19 juga istimewa karena mulai kenal @hysa. Apalagi setelah sadar kalau dies natalis fakultas kami selalu jatuh di tanggal 19 juga, tepatnya 19 September dan untuk di universitas 19 Desember. Begitu juga dengan beberapa tanggal wisuda kampus, selalu dijadwalkan di tanggal atau sekitar tanggal 19, empat kali dalam setahun. Tak heran juga akhirnya ketika mencari satu tanggal istimewa pengikat janji di musim kemarau, kami jatuhkan di 19 Juli. 190709 Bukan, ini bukan tulisan tema anniversary. Sekadar lintasan ide mengisi wak...

Dari Rabu atau Kamis denger pertama kabar Nanggala, hatiku remuk. Secara logika udah kuat banget dugaan mereka ga akan selamat. Kesedihan mulai merayapiku. Mulai kerasa sedih ga jelas Ga mood ngapa-ngapain Rasa kehilangan akan entah apa Kebayang kamu ga ada Hatiku lebih remuk lagi Kalo sampe itu terjadi Mulai muter lagu2 sedih Lagu Linkin Park paling kena sih Mungkin karena Chester nya Mungkin karena walau sedih tetap terasa kuat Menambah rasa ironi Sabtu malam dinyatakan tenggelam Ucapan duka bertebaran Rasa sedih menyeruak Minggu lebih banyak berita detail Ditemukan terbelah tiga Memuncak sedih ini Rasa kehilangan yang besar dan dalam Berusaha menghibur diri Namun dengan rasa bersalah Karena sepertinya dunia malah baru mulai berduka Tapi aku sudah hampir tenggelam Dalam kesedihan Mulai nonton dan baca berita berita analitis terkait, berusaha merasionalisasi kenyataan Tak terhindarkan Di luar kendali siapapun Lepaskan Ayo lanjutkan hidup

If you have to say goodbye To finish something and move on Which one would you prefer? One big farewell then that's it Or Gradual slowly but sure diminishing Marked with avoidance and indifference Would you prefer a sudden death Or a gradual loss of health and slow deterioration? Knowing something is temporary is one thing Finally losing it is another

It's okay to love Love big, wide, and vast Love deeply and truly What's not okay is to hurt And the most not okay is to hurt yourself  But when you got hurt, that's okay It's not your fault It's just you being you, caring too deeply Now go on.  Love again. Love mindfully, love carefully. Love yourself gently.

This morning I dreamed I was in some hospital/school complex I just received a rather bad news Something is not well with me The test gave bad results on my right breast As I wait for the doctor's appointment I confusedly didn't return the test clothing or something So I had to run to the other side of the complex   As I walked with my head full of questions From afar I saw you on the stairs It looked like the field stairs of my junior high You were there with a friend I tried to pretend I didn't see you But as we locked eyes, you greet me first You and your beautiful hair No glasses, did I remember that right? You asked where I was going And I said I'm getting an operation You were shocked and confused too You then try to walk beside me I can't remember if we talked along the way I know I'm just so confused and yet so focused On returning that test outfit and whatsoever administrative work I have to finish Maybe you understand that already So you stayed, you st...

16 Sept, 5 hari sebelum berumur 37 Ujung2 jariku terasa sakit Bengkak, merah, berdenyut Sakit sekali kayak kesetrum tiap dipakai Practically paralysed Pegang buku, buka kancing, ngambil piring, every little thing feels painful I should be grateful My body is giving me early warnings Dan ga membiarkanku lumpuh dlm kondisi lebih parah di umur lebih lanjut I knew I wasn't living as healthy as I should be But I never thought the consequences will come in this time and with this shape I always imagine I'd die of stroke, severe yet fast But not this The agony of pain from such simple parts of my body My body overall alhamdulillah is functioning well But what does that mean if you have constant distracting pain from just doing mundane stuffs Astaghfirullah...

Growing up with someone with low-key worries (if not anxiety) is unhealthy on many levels. Always being asked if everything is okay, days filled with questions and needs of reassurances.  At one point it mold us too, into one which questions. Is everything okay? Are you/we/they okay? Is he/she okay? Am I okay? Up to: what is okay, anyway?  No wonder then, that doubts become life companion.  Everything seems normal until one point you realized your doubts bring you nowhere. You're stuck. Yet you're not ready and sure enough to move forward. So here I am, starting on square one. Acknowledging my self, my doubts, my okayness. It's not easy when  I'm stuck in my own little head.  So I look around and see. The day has rise, the birds are chirping, my cats are playing around early in the morning. My loved ones are okay, breathing, healthy, at ease.  Everything is okay. I'm okay. Alhamdulillah. Let's move on.

Saya lupa tepatnya kapan, mungkin akhir 2008. Tapi saya masih cukup ingat percakapan kami saat itu. Kami baru saja beli cemilan di mbok jajan yg mangkal antara GKU dan FH, sekadar keluar sejenak dari ruang kantor jurusan. Lalu memutuskan duduk di tepian gedung sambil mulai makan. Satu pembicaraan menuju pembicaraan lain, dalam konteks kami berdua sama-sama sedang dalam hubungan menuju pernikahan, tiba-tiba dia bertanya, "Apa yang membuat Mbak yakin kalo dialah orangnya?". Sejenak kuberpikir lalu menjawab, "Pada satu titik, keyakinan itu datang begitu saja. Karena aku yakin di penghujung hari nanti dia tetap akan di sana." Entah dari mana jawaban itu keluar saat itu. Mungkin dari caranya mencintaiku. Mungkin karena dia pernah berkata bahwa apapun yang terjadi, dia tidak akan menyerah dan pergi dariku (lebih dulu). Mungkin karena setelah hampir empat tahun, saat itupun saja aku masih saja mabuk dopamine. Mungkin. Satu yang jelas, Allah mengirimnya untuk menolongku men...

For her upcoming 8th birthday, she have everything plan out. (Most probably an Intuitive, yup, since her birthday won't be here until another two months). She already plan how it will be celebrated. Her father and I never celebrate our birthdays so her images of birthdays are definitely not from us. She plans what she wants to eat. Quite anti mainstream because she requested "nasi and kremesan". She plans when it will be held (not on her actual birth day because she wants to celebrate it with her cousin and relatives in her father's hometown). She also plans who she is going to invite. What amaze me the most is she has this idea that her cousins will give her presents which she already has prepared earlier herself. So today I drove her to this stationery store, not a fancy one, just one near her school. She then bought pretty much everything she needs and wants for her birthday. She choose the cute stuffs she wants as her present, pick the pretty boxes and bags to put...

Loving you is as simple as one two three      You are so easy to be loved       Lovable in so many ways Loving you is like loving myself       Not only that it feels like loving myself, but Loving you helps me keep loving myself       From one bad day to another Loving you helps me love others       When my temper can't stand them around Loving you is loving me

It seemed like for years my life was on a race And I was always on my 3rd or 4th gear Then suddenly I crashed And ever since Not even to put on the high speed I can barely walk fast Do I even need to run I just wanna walk right now Somewhere somehow

Four years ago, today would be unimaginable. That was when I was at the bottom of my depression It was when nothing matters anymore Everything was meaningless And the reason why I could push myself to work everyday was the hope of seeing a glimpse of you that day Up to a point when I realize my working condition was no longer ideal. And it's not doing good for my depression. I realized that I need to move out, resign, bail out. But I postponed. I kept saying to my close friends that I'll hold on, I'll stay a bit longer, just to see him graduate. Yes, that's you. But it had only got worse. So, I had to leave. Fast forward to this day. Being here for your graduation. Congratulate you, shake your hand, take pictures with you. All the worry and doubt flies away. Riding home I felt nothing but joy and grateful. I genuinely am so happy and proud of you! Thank you for tolerating me all these years You're still a God-sent angel for me Thank you

So we can buy stuffs to distract us from our miseries or somehow hope that will fill the void. So we can afford tickets to far away destinations, running away from a place we never call home.

I love big trees So magnificent More ever with blue sky as the background I wonder should I make it a hobby You know.. Hunting big trees Finding their names The story behind them They give me the sense of strength Of surviving one day at a time Of waiting the sun for its warmth

If there's such thing as a different universe I would've flown to where you are I would've showered you with hugs Would've rub your back, pat your shoulder, and comb your hair with my fingers

In between classes and meet ups, i miss you Along scrolls of timeline, I miss you In seconds Or minutes Here and there Now and then I miss you 

Let's call it a premature mid life crisis A time in my thirties When everything goes everywhere Or in another term Goes nowhere A time when things are pretty much "it" All the excitement has wore down Nothing big to anticipate Maybe it's too much to say Everything's downhill from here But it's probably true Not that I'm not grateful I'm just being realistic Maybe I had too many adrenaline in the past So life's now seems so dull Happiness and fun comes in very different sizes, boxes and colors Maybe I'm just not ready yet To get tiny pale yellow boxes every other day When deep inside I'm still waiting for that big shiny rainbow box Life can never be as fun and thrilling as it was before Or can it?

I was always bad at goodbyes. This is Akak, a black and grey male cat roaming around our house these past few months. We fed him almost everyday, out of compassion, but never really consider him as a pet. After considering a handful issues (mostly whether he'll be accepted by Luki and Kuma), we decided to seriously adopt him last week and bringing him to the vet to be spayed. But God has other story written. Last Thursday, just one week after the conscious decision, since morning he threw up several times and refuse to eat and drink. I was shocked and shivered, reminded of what happened to Lian, my cat who died because of cat flu a decade ago. We brought him the vet and got him hospitalized for the night. The next morning, the blood test result came out, he's positive of panleukopenia or cat flu. This virus is so evil, it is known to took away lives in just days. I cried that afternoon, regretting not vaccinate him earlier. The vet kept updating us for his condition, and th...

Tomorrow's my last day of being an office worker. What do I feel right now? Relief. Of not having a big system above me. Rushed. Of moving out files and stuffs Longing. Starting to notice what I'll be missing. Poised. As if time stand still in this place. Anxious. Of the challenges ahead. I'm still breathing. I'm alive.

I was never good with goodbyes I am uncomfortable with all that come with them Of saying goodbye Of saying sorry and thank you of what has passed Of letting go each and every little thing Of the longing and missing Of reminiscing all the memories Of feeling the loss and the separation Of knowing things will never be the same again Of not knowing what will happen next Of all the things that will change Of all that will remain the same Of what had happened Of what might have happened When we we are not together My worst goodbye was when moving from Bandung to Jogja Because it was home for years, where all my stories were written Where memories, hopes, and despair was shared First loves, crushes, and broken hearts were mend Because I will never go back, and it will never be the same I wish I can just leave and disappear Without saying goodbyes Without feeling goodbyes