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19

Sejak kapan saya suka angka 19? Mungkin sejak SD, sejak kenal bilangan prima. Ya, 19 adalah bilangan prima, yang istimewa, berdiri sendiri, tidak memiliki bilangan faktor, tidak bisa dibagi bilangan lain selain satu dan dirinya sendiri.  Sejak itu, sepertinya angka 19 selalu punya makna tersendiri untukku. Salah satu kecenganku waktu SMP ultahnya jatuh di tanggal 19, walau sekarang aku sudah tak yakin, bulan Januari atau Februari ya hahaha.  Kalau dipikir, umur 19 juga istimewa karena mulai kenal @hysa. Apalagi setelah sadar kalau dies natalis fakultas kami selalu jatuh di tanggal 19 juga, tepatnya 19 September dan untuk di universitas 19 Desember. Begitu juga dengan beberapa tanggal wisuda kampus, selalu dijadwalkan di tanggal atau sekitar tanggal 19, empat kali dalam setahun. Tak heran juga akhirnya ketika mencari satu tanggal istimewa pengikat janji di musim kemarau, kami jatuhkan di 19 Juli. 190709 Bukan, ini bukan tulisan tema anniversary. Sekadar lintasan ide mengisi waktu di rua
Recent posts

Perpetual Sadness

Dari Rabu atau Kamis denger pertama kabar Nanggala, hatiku remuk. Secara logika udah kuat banget dugaan mereka ga akan selamat. Kesedihan mulai merayapiku. Mulai kerasa sedih ga jelas Ga mood ngapa-ngapain Rasa kehilangan akan entah apa Kebayang kamu ga ada Hatiku lebih remuk lagi Kalo sampe itu terjadi Mulai muter lagu2 sedih Lagu Linkin Park paling kena sih Mungkin karena Chester nya Mungkin karena walau sedih tetap terasa kuat Menambah rasa ironi Sabtu malam dinyatakan tenggelam Ucapan duka bertebaran Rasa sedih menyeruak Minggu lebih banyak berita detail Ditemukan terbelah tiga Memuncak sedih ini Rasa kehilangan yang besar dan dalam Berusaha menghibur diri Namun dengan rasa bersalah Karena sepertinya dunia malah baru mulai berduka Tapi aku sudah hampir tenggelam Dalam kesedihan Mulai nonton dan baca berita berita analitis terkait, berusaha merasionalisasi kenyataan Tak terhindarkan Di luar kendali siapapun Lepaskan Ayo lanjutkan hidup

Which Type of Goodbye

If you have to say goodbye To finish something and move on Which one would you prefer? One big farewell then that's it Or Gradual slowly but sure diminishing Marked with avoidance and indifference Would you prefer a sudden death Or a gradual loss of health and slow deterioration? Knowing something is temporary is one thing Finally losing it is another

it's okay, love

It's okay to love Love big, wide, and vast Love deeply and truly What's not okay is to hurt And the most not okay is to hurt yourself  But when you got hurt, that's okay It's not your fault It's just you being you, caring too deeply Now go on.  Love again. Love mindfully, love carefully. Love yourself gently.

5 Nov

This morning I dreamed I was in some hospital/school complex I just received a rather bad news Something is not well with me The test gave bad results on my right breast As I wait for the doctor's appointment I confusedly didn't return the test clothing or something So I had to run to the other side of the complex   As I walked with my head full of questions From afar I saw you on the stairs It looked like the field stairs of my junior high You were there with a friend I tried to pretend I didn't see you But as we locked eyes, you greet me first You and your beautiful hair No glasses, did I remember that right? You asked where I was going And I said I'm getting an operation You were shocked and confused too You then try to walk beside me I can't remember if we talked along the way I know I'm just so confused and yet so focused On returning that test outfit and whatsoever administrative work I have to finish Maybe you understand that already So you stayed, you st

pain from my dear fingers

16 Sept, 5 hari sebelum berumur 37 Ujung2 jariku terasa sakit Bengkak, merah, berdenyut Sakit sekali kayak kesetrum tiap dipakai Practically paralysed Pegang buku, buka kancing, ngambil piring, every little thing feels painful I should be grateful My body is giving me early warnings Dan ga membiarkanku lumpuh dlm kondisi lebih parah di umur lebih lanjut I knew I wasn't living as healthy as I should be But I never thought the consequences will come in this time and with this shape I always imagine I'd die of stroke, severe yet fast But not this The agony of pain from such simple parts of my body My body overall alhamdulillah is functioning well But what does that mean if you have constant distracting pain from just doing mundane stuffs Astaghfirullah...

On Okay

Growing up with someone with low-key worries (if not anxiety) is unhealthy on many levels. Always being asked if everything is okay, days filled with questions and needs of reassurances.  At one point it mold us too, into one which questions. Is everything okay? Are you/we/they okay? Is he/she okay? Am I okay? Up to: what is okay, anyway?  No wonder then, that doubts become life companion.  Everything seems normal until one point you realized your doubts bring you nowhere. You're stuck. Yet you're not ready and sure enough to move forward. So here I am, starting on square one. Acknowledging my self, my doubts, my okayness. It's not easy when  I'm stuck in my own little head.  So I look around and see. The day has rise, the birds are chirping, my cats are playing around early in the morning. My loved ones are okay, breathing, healthy, at ease.  Everything is okay. I'm okay. Alhamdulillah. Let's move on.